Rush Limbaugh

When I’m in need of a dinosaur my tendency
is to turn on the TV and flip the stations until
I find one where an episode of The Flintstones
is playing, then I wait until a scene with Dino
comes on and I laugh and I feel all right again.
Sometimes I get what I want, and sometimes
I don’t, and I think that’s a good thing except
when there’s something I really want that I can’t
get by turning on the TV and waiting. Usually
it’s not a thing that I want or an object but
a situation, a thought that I’m missing or an
idea that won’t go away no matter where I go
or how often I say the words I’m OK or these
trees are pretty or go shove it up your ass.
I think the world is a beautiful place sometimes
but I also like to think about it not being there
or me not being here and wonder what existence
would be like if the world was not solipsistic but
its opposite, and the only things that exist are the
things other people think of. How awful that would
be, and why did my mind create such a horrible
place, where someone else has to tell you that you’re
alive, that these trees are green, and that your ass is
a repository for solid objects? Dino, you are a dinosaur in a
cartoon, but would you be offended if I told you
that you are more dog than dinosaur, that your behavior
is more like that of those modern domesticated animals
we call our pets or, if you’re strange, our companion
animals? You know, someone once told me that in
German the words Rush Limbaugh mean either
open my anal cavity, Leonard or stretch my nipples
to infinity or I love these drugs more than I love America.
He wasn’t quite sure, but I believed him. I had no reason not to.

-Jose Padua